No way, no how.

Hold on a minute - I think I see some lightening in the distance. Wait a minute while I take cover.

The kids returned to school this week, which meant that I started back to work this week. I have all six kids in full day school - one in PreK, one in Kindergarten, two in grade school, one in middle and a junior in high school. We also started back with cross country/band/soccer, and we continued the year round martial arts. I’m trying to write a book, blog daily, have a relationship with my family and meet the needs of each of the shining different personalities in the house. We’ve made numerous trips to the bookstore/grocery store/office supply store/uniform shop/sporting goods store, and I’m currently staring eight loads of laundry and two sets of dishes down. It’s a stare to the death, I tell you.

Everywhere I go, I see other parents in the same shape. We’d greet each other with a sign of solidarity, but we are too insanely stressed. It’s a wonder that there aren’t more bald Mommies running around - those “last minute” items are enough to drive a mom certifiable. Some days, I think if just one more thing goes wrong, I’m going to commit a crime - any crime - just so I can go to prison. After all, I’d be able to sleep, right? And I’d be responsible for no one else!

So, as stressed as we all are, I’d like to offer a relief. A pampering. NO, I canNOT send Hans the magic masseuse to your house - but I CAN offer you nice, smooth hands, especially handy (hahaha!) with winter and dry indoor heat fast approaching. I’m giving away a Mary Kay Satin Hands Pampering Set. I’ve got one and I love it - this set really rocks.

How can you win? It’s simple. Leave me a comment here for one entry. Join Zwaggle for a second entry. Blog about Zwaggle for yet another entry.

And get ready to enjoy your soft, smooth hands - they really do help.

Quick - ten Zoints if you can tell me the band that made that song famous…..

And I’m gonna need them, because I’m FLAT SLAM out of cash. Because, cue the music, duh-duh-duh, back to school shopping has begun. It’s funny - I don’t remember my mother spending so much money and so much time on our return to school prep. We each got an outfit or two, a few notebooks and some pencils. It wasn’t stressful for her, at least not as awful as it’s been for me this week. We went to Sears, the mall, Office Max and Target - we shopped our brains out. And we aren’t even finished, since, due to the overwhelming attitude of one of my kids in the mall yesterday, we ended up leaving early without the purchases that she needed. Yes - we were that family. The one with the teenager who acted like a toddler, complete with ugly words, crossed arms and rolled eyes.

I think I’d much rather look here at Zwaggle for many of those same items, especially those elusive “must have” clothing items. And save a whole bunch of money in the process. Just ask the Frugalista in the Miami Herald or Laura Delluriti on the Daily Buzz, I think they agree.

What is especially timely for me is the brand new seasonal section, which soon switches to “back to school”. Heaven knows it is so much easier to shop sitting on my couch than chasing a tantrumming preschooler or dealing with the attitude that only a teenage girl can provide. I can sit in my jammies with a cup of coffee, keeping one eye on the news and one eye scrolling through the site. I can mix and match to my hearts content, clear out the closet of the stuff they’ve outgrown and post it to the site - all while that cranky teenager talks on the phone with her friends, and that preschooler runs amok in the backyard. Everyone wins!

Besides, I don’t know if my nerves can take another mall outing with my kids.

My daughter turned eleven this week. Eleven. She’s my third child, so not my first to pass this great milestone. To celebrate her birthday, my husband decided that we should eat lunch at a local Mexican Restaurant. We arrived well before he did - he had to work and would join us as soon as his coworker returned from HIS lunch break.

After placing our drink orders, I looked down the table at my kids. Four of them had brought their newest selection from the library, and sat quietly reading. The older two chatted and passed iPod headphones back and forth. They were all occupied, so I took a few minutes to glance around the restaurant at the other patrons. (I’m nosy, I always like to watch other people.) I was struck by the chaos at a neighboring table. The family consisted of two grandparents, two parents, and one baby. One little girl, somewhere in the neighborhood of a year old. She was a cute kid, with blond hair, wearing teeny little jeans shorts and an armload of bracelets. Her mother had one of the biggest diaper bags I’d ever seen - and trust me, with six kids I’ve seen a ton of diaper bags. From this bag, she pulled trick after trick, all hoping to placate her daughter. The table was littered with soft books, rattles, bags of snacks, sippy cups, an Elmo doll, and more Little Einstein than I’ve seen in one place in a long time. The mother was frazzled and snippy with the grandparents, who kept handing Pretty Baby anything to keep her amused.

I remember those days. I remember carrying a packed to the gills diaper bag, not interested in eating out at all due to the overwhelming stress of trying to keep one little person amused. I remember, but I don’t miss those days. It occurred to me as I watched that many of those same toys are still in my diaper bag, which I haven’t used in (I can’t even believe this) more than two years. It currently sits in the back of a closet. I thought to myself, it’s time I listed those baby toys, released the diaper bag, sent Little Einstein to a more needy home. I don’t need those baby things, and someone else might be able to have a more pleasant dining experience thanks in part to those toys.

I looked down the table at my kids. No longer still, they were playing with straw wrappers and napkins, constructing houses for the silverware. Two kids laughed at potty jokes, and one pretended to be above it all as he text messaged a friend. Well, it’s still chaos, albeit a different version of it. But one that doesn’t at least require a diaper bag or carrying toys.